Deconstructing Perfectionism

Myth: (5) an unproven or false collective belief that is used to justify a social institution.

The myth of perfectionism can make leaders and their communities havens of toxicity and control, instead of freedom and growth.  In groups espousing Christian faith, the perfectionist myth is sometimes referenced by an imperative of Jesus: "You shall be perfect as your heavenly father is perfect." *

For me, perfection is an ideal and exists only in the eye of the beholder. It can project an image of being in control and in-touch. But the the dark passengers of the perfectionist are fear and self-disdain. 

Aspiration and idealism are worthy attributes. Self-improvement and pursuing excellence are not perfectionism. The core belief underlying excellence is that I am created and equipped to better myself and my world.  Not so with perfectionism. 

Perfectionism is older brother to hypocrisy. Clergy fulfill a necessary role in communities of faith. But if image management is my default, I may be overlooking a rotting spiritual center. The perfectionist as a spiritual leader is a positive hindrance to the flourishing of others.

Perfectionist Myths

1. "I'm a lot harder on myself than I am on others." Really? However, we end up treating others as we treat ourselves (or worse). Claiming the perfectionist tag can be a red flag for self-delusion and grandiosity.  

2. "They would like me if I try harder." Is living to impress others a worthy goal, and is it really possible? Being and doing your best is not the same as people-pleasing.

3. "I am not enough." Instead of being created in the image and likeness of God, the perfectionist is not enough. Resources like God's love and peace are scarce. 

Recovery from Perfectionism

1. Deconstruct the myth of perfectionism.

   What is the source of perfectionism within? Fear, shame, guilt?

   What does perfectionism promise and are these promises true?

    In what ways do I benefit from image control?

    In what ways has perfectionism drained, hurt me?

    How is it affecting my family and friendships? 

2. I can affirm that I am created in the image and likeness of God. Can I begin to learn  compassionate love of self and neighbor? I deal with my self- hate without projecting it onto others.

3. I accept that I am capable of a God-relationship that doesn't diminish or hinder others. In light of this, all labels are constructions of the ego, the false self. 

Things I have found helpful

1. Find a helpful psychotherapist who is a good fit. The objective here is too explore my own perfectionism, without fear of judgement- or "fixing." 

2. Recovery from perfectionism requires my ongoing inner work- learning a new way beginning with honesty and self acceptance, and self-love. Perfectionism is a core issue for recovery groups, such as Workaholics Anonymous, Codependents Anonymous, and Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional Families. 

3. A spiritual director helps to explore my God-relationship and God-image. Why? Because I often treat myself and others in the same way I envision God treating me.  A spiritual director can listen to me in a way others close to me- or others I serve- can't. 

*See Matthew 5:48, NRSV. Another translation of "perfect" is helpful too. New Testament Greek scholar Clarence Jordan translates the same verse this way: "Now you, all of you, must be mature, as your spiritual Father is mature." The text can be found online at kenanderson.net/bible/html/matthew. 

The Gospel Reading and Reflection, Sunday, August 23

Matthew 15: (10-20), 21-28

15:10 Then he called the crowd to him and said to them, "Listen and understand:

15:11 it is not what goes into the mouth that defiles a person, but it is what comes out of the mouth that defiles."

15:12 Then the disciples approached and said to him, "Do you know that the Pharisees took offense when they heard what you said?"

15:13 He answered, "Every plant that my heavenly Father has not planted will be uprooted.

15:14 Let them alone; they are blind guides of the blind. And if one blind person guides another, both will fall into a pit."

15:15 But Peter said to him, "Explain this parable to us."

15:16 Then he said, "Are you also still without understanding?

15:17 Do you not see that whatever goes into the mouth enters the stomach, and goes out into the sewer?

15:18 But what comes out of the mouth proceeds from the heart, and this is what defiles.

15:19 For out of the heart come evil intentions, murder, adultery, fornication, theft, false witness, slander.

15:20 These are what defile a person, but to eat with unwashed hands does not defile."

15:21 Jesus left that place and went away to the district of Tyre and Sidon.

15:22 Just then a Canaanite woman from that region came out and started shouting, "Have mercy on me, Lord, Son of David; my daughter is tormented by a demon."

15:23 But he did not answer her at all. And his disciples came and urged him, saying, "Send her away, for she keeps shouting after us."

15:24 He answered, "I was sent only to the lost sheep of the house of Israel."

15:25 But she came and knelt before him, saying, "Lord, help me."

15:26 He answered, "It is not fair to take the children's food and throw it to the dogs."

15:27 She said, "Yes, Lord, yet even the dogs eat the crumbs that fall from their masters' table."

15:28 Then Jesus answered her, "Woman, great is your faith! Let it be done for you as you wish." And her daughter was healed instantly.

Why is this story included in Matthew's Gospel? Matthew's Jewish audience would be familiar with the Canaanites given their frequent mention in the Old Testament. It strikes at the heart of the most ancient of animosities in the Old Testament. As the narrative in Joshua and Judges goes, the land of the Canaanites was inhabited by indigenous peoples that the Israelites displaced by murder and mayhem, in order to take the land God had promised Israel. *

Recall that Matthew is a missionary text. According to Luke-Acts, the mission has already traversed many improbable cultural boundaries, such as the development of the Gentile-Greek communities. Matthew adds a contributing story out of Jesus' ministry. Even though an Israelite healing a Canaanite's daughter is improbable, still, with God, all things are possible.**

Consider the Following Surprises

• The woman is the exemplar in the story (not the disciples, again). She shows the pure, undiluted motivation of love, acting for the best interests of another. What else could explain her action?
• It's the Canaanite woman first speaking faith where there was complete dismissal.
• It's the Canaanite woman who actually does God's will and proves to be a true disciple. Recall Matthew 7:21-24.
• Whom do I dismiss and whom do I deem undeserving or outside of God's blessings?
• The faith of my enemy (or those I have labeled as "other") is, according to this story, authentic. Maybe more so than mine. I resist this because it exposes my entitlement and privilege.

*According to the biblical narrative in Joshua, Israel was directed by Moses to take Canaanite land and livestock, but chase down the fleeing Canaanites and kill them. Judges notes, in somewhat conflicting fashion, that Israel was unsuccessful in driving out the Canaanites entirely. While most of the surviving Canaanite people were enslaved, Sidon is mentioned in Judges 1:31-32 as one of few settlements where the inhabitants were neither conquered nor subject to forced labor.

**This is one explanation why this story of a Canaanite and her daughter is presented in Matthew.

Surviving Ministry: Choose to Finish Well

As the page turned to the last 18 months of full time ministry, I felt a real sense of freedom to create something new and needed. Initiative played a big part. I consulted with an expert in geriatric social work.* Then I reached out to CarePartners, a local group that was already resourcing a long standing social ministry in the congregation.** 

The new "Caregiver Relief Ministry" would, after a year of recruiting and equipping, begin serving its first clients. In fact, shorty before I left the congregation, the team partnered with its first two families to offer its ministry. 

Following through on such a project gave me at least two saving features of ending things well. First, it kept me focused, centered, and aligned with my core values. Second, it was an opportunity to leave behind a functioning ministry team. 

What else did I learn in the last 18 months of ministry?

 

I learned the importance of remembrance. One, it is important to claim the power of your ministry narrative. This is about both the last year but, more importantly, the longer witness of your service. The most meaningful ways of marking my retirement was the observance at annual conference. Those who are leaving light the candles of the those who will be newly ordained- then extinguish theirs. It was a telling event, marking both an ending and beginning. I discounted this observance in years past, until I was the one retiring! 

Too, the congregation's reception was a great opportunity to share. I was lifted by the simple and sincere words of gratitude and blessing. There were many honest words of encouragement. from those I had worked with for all or part of 16 years. (3)

I learned that ageism is alive in churches and their bureaucracy. All the more, resist it and claim the truth of your story. One of the drawbacks of downsizing tenured clergy staff (which I was) is that it minimizes the previous years of collaboration and accomplishment. For the downscaling motif to be credible, your story is overlooked, marginalized. (4) When your story is diminished, so is the congregation's. Our work together was shared and never a solo accomplishment.

Your leaving may be couched in terms of "stewardship" or "faithfulness," or "family needs." However, your life's work too is an example of stewardship and faithfulness.  There was time well shared and given, there were gifts employed for the good of others, there were opportunities to love and be loved. And, yes, there is faithful management of resources in all of that.

Tell your story, with honesty and encouragement. The official church media or gatherings are probably not the best venues- and they may not be open to you. I threw a dinner party at a favorite restaurant. I invited those with whom I had close connections in ministry and life: former colleagues, friends, family, mentors, etc. It was my best chance to express gratitude and appreciation. I will long remember the stories, joy, and laughter we shared. Your celebration will be different from mine. Still, discover what is a unique theme in your work and find ways to affirm it!

Finally, retirement is difficult work and can't be done (well) alone. Welcome the help and support of people who know you and care for you: friends, family, a spiritual director, a therapist. Ironically, we who teach and preach about God's love and peace are tempted to go it alone. Don't do it. Live out the truth that God's mercy, hope and faithfulness are available to you. 

It's up to you to finish well:

1. Focus on one important thing you can accomplish with the time you have left in full time ministry.
2. Participate in the official observances provided by the larger church and the reception the congregation offers.
3. Witness to your core values. With gratitude, tell your ministry story by celebrating with those most important to you.
4. At all costs, resist the default to endure this passage alone. Keep reaching out to God and to those who know and care.  

(1) I am indebted to classes and conversations with the late Suzanna Waters Castillo, who, at the time was the Distinguished Faculty Associate, The University of Wisconsin, Madison. The certification program that she directed, "Mental Health and the Older Adult," was unique in its research-based, best practices approach to geriatric care.  

(2) CarePartners worked with us to tailor a ministry to provide limited, trained, and congregational care givers for our parishioners. In the best way, we became partners in ministry.

(3) I will long remember one member telling me, in essence, "The time before my retirement was harder than I could have imagined."

(4) There is scant research on finishing well in ministry. A piece that raises good questions is Ageism: The Real Struggle for Church Staff Close to Retirement, Church Answers, featuring Thom Rainer.